Friday, November 13, 2009

Healing the Inner Child part 9

This is the last in a nine part series of articles by Robert Najemy of Holistic Harmony on Healing the Inner Child (Clarity issue 174). 

Positive Mesages

At some point in our process of healing our inner child, we will want to communicate directly with that part of our subconscious. The following is a list of possible messages for our inner child, which can be strengthened internally by:

Writing them in a letter to the inner child
b. Introducing them to the inner child while in the transformation regression.
Replaying them our daily communication with the inner child.
d. Making a relaxation CD with these messages.
After reading the following possible messages one might want to communicate to one's inner child, please close the book and forget what has been said here, and write a personal love letter to your own inner child expressing whatever you feel it needs to hear from you in order to feel safe, worthy, free and happy.
1. I accept and love you exactly as you are.
2. I appreciate you and respect you.
3. I feel affection and tenderness for you.
4. You are free to do what you like provided you are not hurting anybody.
5. You are capable and strong.
6. There is an infinite spiritual power within you that protects you from illness, traumas and dangers.
7. Your body is healthy, strong and resistant to illness.
8. You live in divine justice, which brings to you only what is useful for your development.
9. You selected your parents and the events of your childhood, and thus you created the perfect conditions for your development.
10. There is a Divine Power that guides you from within.
11. There is within you a knowing and wise voice that always leads you correctly in your life. Follow it.
12. You have the right and the responsibility to express your inner strength and beauty creatively.
13. You deserve love and respect from everyone, regardless of your appearance, social position, profession, knowledge, achievements, or what others think of you.
14. Your self worth is the same as that of every other soul, no more and no less.
15. No one else can create or be responsible for your happiness, health or success.
16. You cannot create or assume responsibility for the happiness, health or success of others.
17. You are an eternal, divine consciousness in the process of developing the ability to express the beauty that exists within you.
18. Everything is God. There is no one or thing that is not the expression of the one universal consciousness (God). You are no exception.
19. It is not necessary to live your life according to the convictions or expectations of your parents or anyone else. Love, respect and help them, but live according to your own principles, needs and convictions.
20. Your "parents" are eternal souls in a process of evolution whom you selected to play these roles in this incarnation. Your only real parent is God. 
21. You have the same worth, wisdom, strength, and rights as the eternal souls who played the role of your parents.
22. Whatever anyone did to harm you was out of ignorance or fear.
23. Your parents were once children who were programmed by their parents.

Having healed the inner child through these truths, we are now ready to begin the process of forgiveness, which is our true liberation from the past. If upon working with your childhood years you realize that you need to forgive others or yourself, refer to the chapters on forgiveness in the books Love is the Choice and Relationships of Conscious Love by the same author.

Adapted from the book The Psychology of Happiness by Robert Elias Najemy

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Healing the Inner Child part 8

This is the eighth in a nine part series of articles by Robert Najemy of Holistic Harmony on Healing the Inner Child (Clarity issue 173).  I will be sharing the rest of the articles with you as well!


Note:  The work described in this article usually requires Guidance and support by a person experienced in this work.

3. A questionnaire for getting acquainted with the inner child
Answering these questions will assist our investigation into the messages we might have received in our childhood years. Complete the following sentences with at least three answers for each if possible. Also, try to remember exactly what happened which caused you to come to those assumptions.
a. As a child, I heard that my most significant faults were.....
b. As a child, I felt guilty about/for....
c. Some messages I received about God were...
d. Some messages I received about sex were...
e. Some messages I received about money were...
f. I felt rejection when...
g. I felt fear when...
h. I felt shame or inferiority when...
i. I felt abandonment when...
j. I felt secure and safe when...
k. I felt accepted and loved when...
l. I felt freedom when...
m. I felt gratitude when ...
n. I felt happiness when...
4. A deeper questionnaire concerning our beliefs
The following questionnaire will give us supplementary information concerning the programming we developed in those early years. Answer as honestly as you can, allowing enough time to establish contact with the various parts of your personality. Do not be surprised by needs, desires, beliefs and feelings that seem to conflict or be contradictory. This is quite common and natural for a person in the process of evolution who is passing through changes in his values, beliefs and needs.
Give three or more answers to each question.
A. The basis for our feelings of security.
1. The three positive human characteristics which I value most are ...
2. The three negative human characteristics that I find most unacceptable are...
3. I love and accept myself more when ....
4. I feel guilty when ...
5. I have negative feelings when...
6. I feel happy when ...
7. I feel insecure when...
8. I feel secure when...
9. I do not believe I can ....
10. If my house were on fire and I could save only three objects (excluding people or animals), they would be.....
11. My three strongest fears are....
B. How I perceive others and how I believe they perceive me.
12. How I believe my spouse or love partner perceives me. (Or previous spouse or love partner. Or all spouses and love partners we have had until now.)
13. Three of my spouse's (love partner's) positive traits are ...
14. Three of my spouse's (love partner's) negative traits are...
15. How I believe my parents perceive me....
16. My parents always told me that I was unable to ...
17. The criticism I heard most often from my parents was...
18. Three of my father's positive qualities were/are...
19. Three of my father's negative qualities were/are...
20. Three of my mother's positive qualities were/are...
21. Three of my mother's negative qualities were/are...
22. This is how I remember my parents' relationship until I was 21 years old.
23. I find it difficult to forgive others for...
C. How I see myself.
24. I feel weak and vulnerable when ...
25. The criticism I hear most often from those around me is...
26. Three of my positive character traits are...
27. Three of my weaknesses or faults are ...
28. I find it difficult to forgive myself for...
29. I feel unable to ...
30. I wish I could ...
31. I imagine God to be...
33. I feel God in my life when .... and in this way ...
34. My life purpose is ....
35. Now imagine that you are writing to a very good friend whom you have not seen since grammar school, and you want to describe yourself to him. How would you do it?

Continued in the next issue
Adapted from the book The Psychology of Happiness by Robert Elias Najemy

Monday, November 9, 2009

Healing the Inner Child part 7

This is the seventh in a nine part series of articles by Robert Najemy of Holistic Harmony on Healing the Inner Child (Clarity issue 172).  I will be sharing the rest of the articles with you as well!

Additional Aids

Note:  The work described in this article usually requires Guidance and support by a person experienced in this work.


In addition to the work mentioned above, we can also apply some of the following methods:

1. Through the guidance of well-trained professional, we can re-experience memories of the past through "regressions" to our childhood years. Such regressions are done in a state of deep relaxation where our minds are able to focus more deeply on the events we want to remember and work with. There are three types of regressions.

a. Exploratory regressions where we are simply searching to discover what might have happened that has created a specific sensitivity or blockage in our lives today.

b. Releasing regressions where we are encouraged to express feelings in various ways with or without words so as to allow those blocked feelings and energies to flow and discharge.

c. Transformational regressions with which we relive the events but alter our perception of ourselves, others and life as mentioned previously in this chapter.
This is an approach that should be undertaken only with an experienced guide.

2. By writing the story of our childhood years, we can strengthen our contact with the details of the past. This can be written in the first person, but even better in the third person, as if we are chronicling the life of some other person or as the soul remembering the events of the mind and body. This enables us to be more objective and honest in our observations. We will discover patterns of behavior that we tend to repeat throughout the years. We will find the experiences that have marked our subconscious, creating our emotional mechanisms.

This life story need not be detailed in chronological order. Each day, we can add whatever we remember in any order.

The first comment made by many people is, " I don't remember anything before the age of ten. How will I do this?" This is no problem. As we start to write, the subconscious will be awakened and memories will start flowing forth. The more we write, the more the memories will be activated.

Placing old photographs before us as we write will help, as will asking parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts and older brothers and sisters what they can remember. We are not obligated to accept their interpretation of the past, but their words may trigger other memories.

Best results will be obtained if we dedicate at least twenty minutes daily to this process for at least three months.

The basic guidelines for writing the story of our childhood years are:

a. Add whatever additional memories you remember each day.

b. It need not to be in chronological order.

c. We can write in the third or first person.

d. Ask others (parents, uncles, aunts, siblings, grandparents) what they remember.

e. Look at old pictures.

Note: We need to be very careful to avoid the trap of living in the past. The past does not exist. It is only an interpretation that we hold in our minds. When we let it go, it ceases to exist. Such exercises as questionnaires, regressions and writing a journal of the "past" serve to enable us to understand the substance from which the web of our illusions have been created. We are looking for how our illusions were created so that we can let go of them, not so that we can wallow in them reinforcing the idea that we were or are the victims or that we are guilty.

Nothing in the past can make us a victim or guilty. The past does not exist. We are bringing our interpretation of the past to the surface so that we can forgive others and ourselves for our mutual ignorance and move on to create something much more beautiful.

Continued in the next issue.
Adapted from the book The Psychology of Happiness by Robert Elias Najemy

Friday, November 6, 2009

Healing the Inner Child part 6

This is the sixth in a nine part series of articles by Robert Najemy of Holistic Harmony on Healing the Inner Child (Clarity issue 171).  I will be sharing the rest of the articles with you as well!


Note:  The work described in this article usually requires Guidance and support by a person experienced in this work.

The following questions will facilitate your understanding and expression concerning specific experience.

a. Describe an experience or general situation which was unpleasant, that made you feel fear, sorrow, guilt, rejection, danger, injustice, jealousy or any other unpleasant emotion.

What were the exact emotions you felt as a child?

What thoughts did you have, or what conclusions did you reach as a child because of this experience or situation?

In what way did you react then as a child?

What effect did this experience have upon you later in life, or even today?

If you could have been absolutely open and honest at that time, what would you have said to your parents, teachers, God or to any others who played a part (or who were with you) in this event or in this situation concerning:

. What you felt?

. Your needs and desires?

What you wanted them to do or not do?
(Write the answers in the second person, as if you were speaking directly to them or writing them a letter).

When you finish with one experience or situation, go on to another and another, answering the same questions. You can then move on to various forms of expression or simply employ some of the methods of energy psychology for the specific experience and emotions. You can try expressing yourself and then employ the techniques.

Once we have established contact with some of the unexpressed emotions, needs and beliefs of our childhood years, the next stage is to express and release them without, of course, hurting others. Some ways in which we can do this are listed here.

1. Write letters to the people who played an important role in the unpleasant and pleasant experiences of your childhood (parents, teachers, uncles, aunts, siblings, grandparents, others). We will probably not send these letters. We simply need to write them, in order to recognize and express what is hidden within us.

Communicate totally, openly and honestly.

Add new thoughts and feelings each day.

Do not concern yourself with chronological order.

Express how you felt at that young age (not how you see it or explain it now).

e. Release and express
your negative and positive feelings.

f. Express the needs, feelings, desires and thoughts you had at that time.
We will also want to express our positive feelings, love and gratitude.

2. Read these letters to someone who is experienced in active listening and psychodrama.

If you find that reading these letters causes strong feelings, take time to express and release those feelings before you continue reading. You may then need to switch to an emotional release technique such as crying, shouting, beating a pillow or other method. Do not keep these emotions locked inside you.

You may need to read these letters additional times until the emotional charge is released. You can read it as many times as necessary until you are able to read it without feeling upset about the letter's content.

3. Below is a more detailed questionnaire that will help with the clarification and expression of exactly what we felt, needed and believed as children. It is best if we write with the opposite hand than the one with which we usually write. In this way, we can more easily connect with the weakness, difficulty and vulnerability we experienced in those childhood years. It also stimulates the opposite side of the brain, bringing more memories to the surface.

We can employ this process of getting free for each experience moving down our list and choosing the next experience we want to become free from. The process is:
1. Remembering experiences that may have affected us.
2. Realizing how we may have been programmed
3. Discovering the aspects of how that programming may be working today.
4. Expressing our feelings and needs.
5. Getting free from the stored emotions with Energy Psychology techniques.
6. Understanding, forgiving and loving the others and ourselves

Also we some may benefit from the following question designed to enable us to remember, clarify and express details concerning experiences in which we felt hurt by others.

Questions that aid in expressing our feelings as children
We imagine that one of the persons who played an important role in our childhood experiences is asking us these questions. We answer the questions separately for each person with whom we want to communicate.

It does not matter if the soul we are writing to has left his or her physical body. It does not matter whether the other can fully understand what we are writing. We are not writing this to give it to anyone. We are writing this in order to discover, understand and express ourselves more deeply.

We have everything to gain by being as honest as possible by answering from our inner child. If there are matters about which our inner child feels differently from our adult, we can express both sides if we choose, but it is best to place emphasis on the inner child's opportunity to express it self.

These are the questions we are being asked by this person:
Tell me, when you were a child, did I do anything which upset you, hurt you or made you feel fear, rejection, guilt, injustice, bitterness, disappointment, guilt, anger or some other negative emotion?

Please tell about each occasion, situation or behavior separately. Give me the complete details:
a. What exactly did I do or not do?
b. How did you feel?
c. What did you think then?
d. What conclusions did you draw about yourself?
e. What conclusions did you draw about me?

Did you feel that I had high expectations of you, that I wanted you to be something special? Please explain to me exactly what you believed I wanted you to be physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, spiritually, etc. Perhaps because I praised or rejected you for some things, you believed that I accepted and loved you only if you excelled in those areas?
a. How did you feel about that?
b. What did you think then?
c. What conclusions did you draw about your self worth and love in general?

What other emotions would you like to express to me?

What did you need from me then which I did not give you enough of?

What would you have liked me to do then, which I did not do?

What would you have preferred that I not do which I did?

Did you ever feel guilt, shame or self-rejection as a child?
a. At which times and for what reasons? What did you do, say or think?
b. What did you believe which made you feel guilty?
c. Did I, in any way, cause you to feel guilty in those situations? How?
d. Were others also instrumental in causing you to feel guilty? Who, and for what?
e. What would you like to say to me or to the others concerning those situations?

What could I do now, to help you feel better?

What could you yourself do now in order to feel better?

The above questions help us clarify what we need to express and release. The rest of the questions have to do with the process of transformation, and are best left until we feel we are ready to accept what happened, to forgive the others, and move on with a clean state. We will present them here but they should be used only when we are ready.

Questions that aid in transforming:
What thought-forms (conclusions, beliefs) were created in you then due to those experiences?

Which of those thought-forms (conclusions, beliefs) have you totally overcome, and which are still alive in you, even to a small degree?

What do you think was my inner state, which caused me to behave the way I did then? (Remember that we are imagining that the person who may have hurt us with his behavior is asking us these questions.)

What do you think were the motives, needs, fears, feelings, and beliefs that caused me to behave the way I did then?

If the spiritual truth that "life gives us exactly what we need as souls in evolution in order to evolve and develop spiritual virtues," is actually true, what could be the lessons or the virtues which you chose as a soul to work on here?

What do you need to learn here in order to be happy?

Which beliefs do you need to change here in order to free yourself from the false beliefs of the past?

What do you need to do or believe in order to forgive me and free yourself from my presence in your subconscious?

What do you need to do or believe in order to forgive yourself and enjoy your purity and goodness?

What changes do you want to make in your lifestyle in order to find harmony and strength? How and when will you make these changes?

Having answered the questions in the above questionnaire, we are then ready to employ any methods for releasing and transcending the particular experiences.

Continued in the next issue.

Adapted from the book The Psychology of Happiness by Robert Elias Najemy

Thursday, November 5, 2009

How does abuse fit in with the Law of Attraction

I have talked about the Law of Attraction (LOA) on this blog before, and I am well aware that it is a touchy subject with those of us that have survived the abuses and atrocities that we have.  When I first heard about the LOA, manifesting what we want with thought, I too began thinking that this was just another way to blame me; or blame any victim.

Back then my emotions were still really raw and my thinking was still clouded by what I had been going through, so I didn’t really view myself as a victim.  Because of that, the term victim-blaming meant absolutely nothing to me; I just felt like ‘oh great this really was all my fault’.  Since then, through much research and growing within myself I have come to see the error of that way of thinking.  Abuse suffered is NEVER the fault of the person suffering it...NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!!

So, then how in this world can I sit here and say that even though I believe in LOA, I know that the abuse I suffered was not my thoughts attracting that abuse to me?

We all, every single human being on this planet, has the use of free will at our disposal.  We can each choose to do whatever it is that we want to do.  Some people choose to do evil, nasty things will this free will.  They choose to hurt people, in various ways.  There is nothing that anyone else can do to change their decisions, just as they can not sway (in most cases) the decisions of those that have chosen to be nice people.

I have had many people ask me “Why did God let this happen to me”, regardless of who your God/Goddess is; I don’t think they ‘let’ it happen to you.  Once someone invokes their free will and decides to do whatever it is they are going to do, I don’t think any of the many Deities out there will interfere with that free will.  Now, of course, this is my opinion and belief and I am not attempting to cram that down anyone’s throat.

I am only trying to explain, in answer to many questions, why can I feel ok posting stuff about LOA on a blog that is meant to be read by those that have been abused.

Nice positive thinking never hurts anyone, so even if you don’t want to believe in LOA, thinking in a positive manner rather than a negative manner won’t hurt anyone.  When we sit around thinking to ourselves (oh yeah, I’m guilty of this myself from time to time) that we don’t deserve this or that; then obviously we are never going to get the chance to actually discover if we ‘deserve’ it or not.

To me this is the base of LOA.

Say for instance, I want to start dating again, but my thoughts keep returning to the abuse and I keep thinking that I can’t trust anyone; rather than attracting someone that I probably could trust I most likely will end up with another abuser, or no one at all.  So what I need to do is think in terms of:

  • I am ready to date again
  • I am deserve a good partner/mate

We are told that the LOA does not recognize negatives when we are thinking things like:

  • I don’t want to be abused again

We are told that phrase would basically translate to:

  • I want to be abused again

So, what should we do with this?  Try to keep your thoughts focused in positive terminology when thinking about what it is that you do and don’t want to have in your future.  Think about what you DO want rather than what you DO NOT want.

Because of the free will thing that I mentioned above, I personally still do not think that victims are to blame for ‘attracting’ abuse to them, based on the principles of LOA.  So, for me, along with all the positive thinking I have to factor in not only knowing what is that I DO want but also knowing the warning signs and red flags that may indicate that I am going down a road that I do not wish to follow.

And, even though I believe in the positive thought methods and the LOA, I also realize that I can not sit around all day thinking happy stuff and have a great life.  I know that I must be willing to do things to make that happiness come to me; whether I am wanting a new car, more money, a relationship, etc, etc, etc...this list is different for everyone and goes on forever. 

I hope this has answered those of you that have asked me about how I can merge LOA into NOT blaming the victims.  I encourage and want your comments, questions and feedback!

Go Empower Yourself!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Healing the Inner Child part 5

This is the fifth in a nine part series of articles by Robert Najemy of Holistic Harmony on Healing the Inner Child (Clarity issue 170).  I will be sharing the rest of the articles with you as well!

Alternative Perceptions

Note:  The work described in this article usually requires Guidance and support by a person experienced in this work.


Basically reality as we imagine it does not exist. We create our own personal subjective reality through our perceptions and interpretations of what has happened and what is happening and also what might happen. This is what we call reality - it is totally subjective and we can change it by simply altering our perceptions of that has happened, is happening and might happen.

For each of our false assumptions we need to find new more enlightened ways of perceiving the same events so that we can create a new upgraded experience of the same event or situation. What are some of those possible alternative beliefs?

1. I am, and always was, worthy of acceptance, respect and love even when others were not able to recognize and acknowledge my innate inner beauty and goodness.
2. When others were not able to show me the love and respect I deserve and have always deserved, it is simply because they were suffering and unhappy at those moments.
3. When someone is angry, aggressive, blaming and even hurtful, it is because he or she is fearful and suffering inside.
4. All of us - including the adults of our childhood years, did the best they could at each moment, with the handicap of their own childhood experiences and resulting fears, programming, pain, anger and guilt.
5. My self-worth is an immutable fact that can never be increased or lessened by another's words, actions or problems.
6. I was actually always safe in all situations - the proof of that is that I am here today.
7. As a soul, before incarnating, I had chosen all of the events of my childhood years because for some reason, (that perhaps one day I will understand) they offer me the perfect stimuli for the lessons and growth I have chosen in this life.
8. Whatever people may have done that hurt me, was always because of their ignorance of their and my true nature.
9. I am an expression of divine consciousness and this body and mind are my temporary vehicles of expressions on the earth. My self-worth and security are never in any way dependent on those temporary vehicles of expression.
10. All of the adults of my childhood including those who played the roles of my parents (biological or not) are simply fellow souls in the process of evolution with whom we have agreed on a spiritual contract to play these roles.
11. These souls whom I have chosen are not in any way perfect and are also in a learning process and we are learning together here in the material world. I cannot expect them to be better than their programming allowed them to be.
12. I owe to my parents love, care and respect, but never to live my life according to their beliefs when they conflict my deepest values. I respect and love them, but live my life according to my own values.
13. I was never responsible for others' realities. Each creates his or her own reality.
14. In the same way, others were never responsible for my reality.
15. I am safe in all situations and always was safe in the past, even when I was fearful.
16. I am worthy of love and acceptance even when I make mistakes, which are part of my evolutionary process.
17. I am worthy of love and respect even when I do not do what others want me to do. (Of course I need to also love them when they do not do what I want them to do.)
18. I am safe in love. Loving is my greatest power.
19. I am and always have been worthy of unconditional lasting love, regardless of others' inability to do so.
20. I am and always was safe and loveable even when I was different than others or was unable to accommodate their needs or demands.
21. I am and always was safe and loveable even when others were ill, unhappy, in pain, critical, abusive, rejecting, condemning, threatening, angry, and hateful.
22. We are all divinely unique and there never was, and nor is there now, any reason to compare myself to any other fellow soul in the process of evolution.
23. It always was and is totally natural and pure to experience and express my divinely given sexuality.
24. Regardless of others ability to perceive my intelligence and ability, I am as all other souls totally capable to creating the life that fulfills me.
25. Regardless of society's and perhaps the clergy's confusion on this point, God has always loved me (and all others) as I was in every moment of the past - no matter what I did or did not do; and still loves me exactly as I am today.
26. Although I may have learned in the past to identify money with safety or self-worth, I was always and am today safe and worthy regardless of my economic situation.
27. I am not a child anymore. I am an adult and I can create the reality I choose.
28. The events of the past do not exist. They have no power over me whatsoever except for the power I give to them. I choose to accept whatever happened, love myself and love others and let go of "that which does exist anyway".
29. I am and have always been free. In the moments in which I felt suppressed, the reality was and is that I bartered my freedom for safety, acceptance or love. This was a free choice. If I now desire to make different choices, then I am now free to do so.
You can add hundreds of more alternative perceptions depending in the particular experience you would like to transform. Remember we are not seeking to suppress what we feel or cover up the event. We want to focus on it exactly as it we "remember" that it happened, but to now interpret differently what that means about us others and life.

It is important to clarify that, when altering our perception of the past, we need to be very careful not to cover up or suppress feelings or energies. This would lead to a situation in which these suppressed emotions or energy fields would work subconsciously undermining our psychosomatic health and even our mental state and behavior. We would not be free.

This is not a philosophical or intellectual exercise but rather an experiential one. We must first remove the emotional charge through expression, emotional release and energy psychology, before we begin to alter our perception of what happened.

Otherwise it would be like recording a new song on an old cassette without erasing the previous song. When we play the cassette, both the old and the new song will play. In this case we will experience both the old emotions and our attempt to believe our new perceptions.

We need to erase the cassette first and then record the new song. We need first to remove the old emotional energy associated with each event, before moving forward to reinterpret it. This can be done with EFT, BSFF, TAT, EMDR and Sedona. Some of these techniques, such as TAT, EMDR and EFT with choices, incorporate the installation of the new perception once the old emotional charge has been removed or seriously reduced. Please keep this clarification in mind.

In general we want to relive the event, while keeping in mind that we were always safe and worthy of love and respect, regardless of what was happening and whether others were in a position emotionally to behave towards us as we always deserved.

We simply now realize that we were good worthy, loveable beings - even if we were wrong or made a mistake - (we are not saying that we were perfect). All beings at all times are expressions of the divine. No being is ever unworthy of love or respect. All beings are divine. We make mistakes and need to recognize and correct them. But we and others are always worthy of love and respect, no matter what mistakes we might make.

Also as children we were most likely pure and good hearted and probably did not desire to harm anyone. Most of the cases in which we experienced rejection and abuse was because the adults had their own problems, their own fears and attachments. This does not mean that the solution is to blame, reject or hate them. This will solve nothing.

We have made "soul agreements" with them before we were born that they would act in these ways for our spiritual awakening. We are not to blame. They are not to blame. No one is. It all happened as it should have. We understood as souls before incarnating that it would serve our mutual evolution.

Now is the moment of freedom. We can now alter our perceptions and realize that we are in fact safe, worthy, capable, good and free to live our lives in ways that fulfill us. We can now release these false beliefs and their resulting emotions and live a new present based on "new past" that we have just created by altering our perception of ourselves, others and whatever might have "happened" but no longer exists.

We have free will. No one can or ever will force us to forgive others or our selves and let go of bitterness, pain, anger and guilt. If we chose to hold on to the past, that is our own not very wise choice and we will live with its consequences. The means to let go are here in this book. We simply need to choose freedom over slavery to the past.

This can be done especially effectively through all forms of energy psychology but especially through TAT and Ho'oponopono.

Through TAT, our alternative perception of the past will likely include that we experience our security and self-worth regardless of what might be happening or what others might be doing. We will experience that others are fellow souls trying their best in the same evolutionary process that we find ourselves entwined. That they did what they could considering their own "past", fears, programming etc. as well as with the "soul contracts" that we had agreed on before entering the physical realms. We will experience the same events through the prism that live gave us exactly what we needed for our growth process. We might even be able to think of all the lessons we have learned and the ways we have become stronger and better persons because of these events and situations.

Holding the past event in mind, we will remember that we are eternal divine consciousness and that our security and self-worth are equally eternal and immutable.

As we relive those events, we will feel understanding, compassion, forgiveness and love for ourselves and all the other fellow souls who participated in those "dramas" with us.

Through Ho'oponpono, we will learn to forgive, love and bless all as we ask their forgiveness for any part we may have played in those events and express our love to them and ourselves. We will learn to thank the Divine for now removing all aspects of ourselves that may contribute to or attract such realties.

We will become free from all inner causes and also consequences of those events on our relationships with our bodies, ourselves, others, those of the opposite sex, of the same sex, with beings in power, with money, with sex, our profession and even our spiritual life.

I warmly suggest that you contact a guide experienced in this process to get you started. If that is not possible, then contact us through our website for more information on how you can proceed. ( or

Once you have made a list of the specific events you would like to discharge emotionally, then you might want to answer the following questionnaires for greater clarity on each issue.

Continued in the next issue.
Adapted from the book The Psychology of Happiness by Robert Elias Najemy

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Comment on the TLC Appreciation Challenge

On Saturday I issued an Appreciation Challenge to all of you for the month of November.  This post is to add a little more to that challenge for those of you that would like to take it one step further.  I will not claim that I thought of the additional steps; as they are based on the comment below:
Life Coaches Directory said...

What a great idea and a way to keep everyone in a great mood heading into the holiday season! I personally think you should expand it to include one person in your personal life, one in your outside activities and one in your professional life.
Thanks for sharing! I retweeted the post for you too!

Originally I challenged you to do two things;  write a paragraph of why you appreciate yourself and think of one person that you appreciate having in your life above all others,  write a paragraph as to WHY you appreciate this person and give it to them. (For more explanation in case you missed the first post.)

Now I add to that what Jesse suggested.  I only said to give your appreciation to one persona other than yourself, add two more people to that.  Pick one person in the different areas in your life. 

  1. One in your personal or family circle,
  2. One from your activities (this could even be an online friend),
  3. One person in your professional or work circle.

I would love to hear who you have picked and why!  Jesse is correct in saying that this is a great way to put ourselves into a better mood for moving into the holiday season.  Let me know what you think.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Healing the Inner Child Part 4

This is the fourth in a nine part series of articles by Robert Najemy of Holistic Harmony on Healing the Inner Child (Clarity issue 169).  I will be sharing the rest of the articles with you as well!

False Assumptions

Note:  The work described in this article usually requires
Guidance and support by a person experienced in this work.

It is also important in our inner work to differentiate between an event and situation and an experience. An event is something that happens and is perceived by us. A situation is a series of events. An experience is how we internalize the event or situation. Three children in the same family might witness the same event or situation and have three totally different experiences because they interpret and this internalize the event in different ways, depending on their inborn tendencies and character.

It is not what happens that causes our feelings and assumptions, but rather our childhood (and present) interpretation of what has happened, which becomes our experience and thus our "past". Each of those three children who experienced the same event will have had a different experience and thus a different "past".

In reality, there is no past. It is non-existent. It does not exist anywhere. Neither does the future. Only the present exists. What we call the past is only our personal subjective interpretation of a past event, which no longer exists. We can allow this interpretation (not the event) to control our subconscious reactions, or we can take a look at it and let it go.

In the same way, when we alter our interpretation of a past event our experience of that event changes and so does our "past". When our experience of the past changes, then our beliefs and corresponding feelings and reactions are transformed in the present. When we alter our perceptions of the same events, we are actually literally changing our past, as the past is nothing more than an interpretation.

This is our point of power, our present ability to change our assumptions about the past so that we experience the past and present differently.

Note: As we mentioned a situation is a series of events. When we want to work with situations it is best to list a number of events that make up that situation so that we can work more specifically with one particular event in that situation, as the situation may be general and working with it, might not give us the same success as with working with a series of specific events.

We do not seek to change the events, unless we realize that our perception of them was distorted and false. We alter our perception of and the assumptions made concerning them. We change our experience.


As children, until a certain age, we naturally but falsely assume that the adults in our life must be right and thus if we do not get what we need from them, then there must be something wrong with us, not them.

The two basic assumptions are that:
1. What we experience is what we deserve.
2. What we experience is what we can expect in life.

These two false assumptions then generate a few general categories.
1. I am in danger. I am not safe.
2. I am not worthy of love and respect.
3. I do not know to think and make decisions.
4. I am not capable of succeeding in life.
5. I am responsible for what others feel and what happens to others.
6. Others are responsible for what happens to me and how I feel.

These basic categories can then lead to a large number of specific assumptions. Thus, when our parents, teachers, uncles, aunts, grandparents and others criticize us, reject us, abuse us, ignore us, abandon us or simply do not give us the love and attention we need, or even if they are ill or die, our childhood "logical" assumption are:
1. This is what I deserve.
2. I am wrong.
3. When people are angry with me, I am wrong.
4. When people are angry with me, I am in danger.
5. There is something wrong with me.
6. If someone leaves me, then it is because there is something wrong with me.
7. This is what I can expect in my life.
8. When others are ill or unhappy, I am to blame.
9. I am not lovable as I am.
10. I must be like others in order to be loveable.
11. I must have others' love and acceptance in order to safe.
12. I am not a good person.
13. I do not deserve and will not have love in my life..
14. People who love me will hurt me.
15. People I love will abandon me.
16. I am safer when I avoid opening to others.
17. I am safer when I do not tell the truth
18. I am safer when I hide my real feelings from others.
19. I do not deserve to be happy.
20. I am responsible for what others feel
21. Others are responsible for what I feel.
22. I must ______________ in order to accepted and loved by others
23. I have to be better than others to be worthy of love and respect.
24. I do not know what to do with my life; I need to have others to tell me what to do.
25. I am not safe in this world. I am in danger from people.
26. I am not able to survive alone. I need others to support me or take care of me.
27. I am dirty and shameful because I had sexual feelings.
28. Sex is a sin.
29. I must do what my parents and others want in order for me to be a good person and for them to accept and love me.
30. I am not able and will never succeed.
31. I must be beautiful / handsome and attractive to the opposite sex in order to be worthy.
32. I cannot trust my love partner - surely he / she will eventually lose interest in me and find someone else.
33. God does not love me unless I am perfect.
34. I am safe only if I have a lot of money.
35. People want to suppress my freedom; I must fight to protect my freedom.
36. As a woman I need to be equal with men.
37. As a woman I need my man to be stronger, more able than me.
38. As a man I must be more able and more successful than my wife and all women.
39. My self-worth depends on what others think about me, what they say about me and how they behave towards me.

And many, many, many more.

These are some of the hundreds of false assumptions that are programmed into our inner child, because we were then unable to understand the truth about who we are so as to be able to explain the events in a different way. I am sure you can add more.

Choose the ones in the list above that you believe might be lodged in your subconscious and add any others you can think off.

Continued in the next issue.
Adapted from the book The Psychology of Happiness by Robert Elias Najemy

Saturday, October 31, 2009

The Tailored Life Coaching Appreciation Challenge


Here in the US, we have Thanksgiving coming up this month, so let’s look at some of the things that we can give thanks for throughout the month; why only give thanks on one day!  When we are grateful for the people and things that are already in our lives, we attract more of the same ‘type’ to us. 

I read an article a couple weeks ago about a school teacher that gave each of her students a blue ribbon and told them what a difference they had made to her and to the class.  She then challenged each of them to take three of the ribbons out into their homes and communities and present them to others.

That article made me start thinking about showing appreciation of others and giving thanks for what we have.  Far too often we spend more time thinking of who or what we do NOT have in our lives, which prevents us from being happy with what we do have. 

I give each of you this challenge:

Write a paragraph of why you appreciate yourself.  I know this may sound funny or be hard to get started.  We often overlook our own positive qualities when we are stressed and/or hurting.  Remind yourself what it is about you that you are totally happy about, write out how and why you appreciate yourself.  Keep this paragraph and re-read it often, particularly when you are feeling your most down.  Re-write this paragraph as you grow and make changes, to include your growth and changes for the positive.

Think of one person that you appreciate having in your life above all others.  Write a paragraph as to WHY you appreciate this person and give it to them.  It doesn’t matter if you write it by hand and mail it to them or email it to them or even if send it to them on one of the various social networking sites you are on, just make sure they get it.  Follow your appreciation paragraph with this same challenge to them, for them to do the same for someone else.

Please pass this challenge on to others that you did not write a note of appreciation to, ask everyone you know to take this challenge!

Go Empower Yourself!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Healing Your Inner Child Series

Back in September I was posting a series written by Robert Najemy of Holistic Harmony on Healing the Inner child.

Here are the links to the first three articles in that series:

Healing the Inner Child

Healing the Inner Child Part 2

Healing the Inner Child Part 3


Beginning on Monday, November 2nd, I will finish posting the rest of this series.  There are nine parts to this series, part four will be posted on Monday and then continue every other day for the rest of them.  So, please take a moment and review the three parts that have already been posted.

If you have any questions, comments or need feedback while reading through and working through this material, please do not hesitate to contact me at

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Freeing our Energy

This is the third in a series of articles by Robert Najemy of Holistic Harmony on Personal Energy (Clarity issue 161).  I will be sharing the rest of the articles with you as well!

Fear, anxiety and anger as stimulants

Emotions then become our stimulants and we subconsciously seek to recreate emotional states so that we can our "dose" or "high". For some the high might be harmless or positive stimulants such as dancing, singing, playing games or sports, telling jokes or watching comedies that provide the energy of laughter.

Stimulation, however, does not need to be of a positive nature. We get as much of an energy rush through negative feelings such as fear, anxiety, anger, pain, and even rejection. Thus we all have learned to stimulate our energy through both pleasant and unpleasant emotions.

Some, become addicted to fear (horror movies) or focusing on emotions of fear or panic and get energy from that. Some like the "rush" of danger when they do extreme sports, drive fast, or perhaps gamble with money, with relationships or even their lives. Winning and losing become important stimulants. For some this can be the appeal of belonging to a sports team and watching and routing for them.

Fears tend to stimulate our flee or fight mechanisms and thus get the energy moving.

We have thousands of fears, but the most common are fear of rejection, disapproval, failure, illness and death for ourselves or loved ones. These can lead us to other energy consuming efforts such as spending time and money to improve our appearance physically, mentally and spiritually, with the hope of being more acceptable and loved. These concerns about acceptance and security then become a major life focus towards which we direct large amounts of time, thought and energy.

Others are addicted to and seek energy from anger and conflict and tend to recreate arguments and discord. They may complain about how others are behaving and the conflicts they are experiencing, but subconsciously they are attracting it. Some establish permanent states of arousal by letting their anger become hate or an obsession with revenge. Such persons might create an unending series of dramas in their lives or minds, or perhaps they will find such drama voyeuristically through soap operas and other similar series, which keep their energy moving - but not replenishing.

Another aspect of this is the game of who is right and wrong, which can engage us in hours of stimulating argument to prove ourselves right and the others wrong. If we simply decided to agree to disagree and love each other anyway, we would experience the natural flow of love energy from within.

We need to remember the difference between stimulating old energy and receiving and using new energy. One leaves us depleted. The other rejuvenates us.

Some stimulate their energy by facing challenges. This might be mountain climbing, hunting or perhaps the hunt and success or failure of the "mating game", which for some persons looses its interest when the other becomes "theirs". They have a continuous need to be after someone who is a challenge and does not easily respond. And when they finally "conquer" that person they loose their source of stimulation and become bored and dissatisfied.

Others stimulate themselves with anxiety about what they have to do and how much time they have or do not have. In fact some people believe that such anxiety makes them more effective. Such persons focus on the future, hardly ever enjoying the present. Anxiety is their drug and they keep up a steady number of reasons to feel that way, in the same way that we keep a fire burning by adding logs. Some fuel their fire of anxiety by worrying about others.

All of these emotions such as fear, anger and anxiety may make us feel alive and awake, but they gradually weaken our nervous and immune systems, leaving us vulnerable to a wide variety of psychosomatic illnesses such as ulcers, asthma, allergies, colitis and even cancer. These are not the ideal way to get feel energized.

Some are addicted to guilt, which might work like a stimulant in some cases and a depressant in others. Others are addicted to falling in love, becoming enamored and then disillusioned - proving to themselves every time that they are unlucky in love.

Many are addicted to the role of the victim and the abused and inwardly feel a positive energy when they are done injustice to, because once again they are the "good guys" and the others are the "bad guys".

Continued in the next issue.  by Robert Elias Najemy

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


This is the second in a series of articles by Robert Najemy of Holistic Harmony on Personal Energy (Clarity issue 160).  I will be sharing the rest of the articles with you as well!

Some of the problems with the ways in which we seek to increase or "protect" our energy in relationships.

Our energy is directly related to the satisfaction of our needs. When our basic needs are satisfied, we feel safe and we open to the energy waiting within ourselves to flow forth. When someone pays attention to us, admires us, congratulates us, loves us, accepts us or compliments us in some way, we experience a boost of energy.

When their positive input to us in genuine and they also love themselves, they have provided us with a stimulus that allows us to feel our inner sense of security and self-worth and thus contact our own inner energy reservoir.

The main problem with the ways in which most people seek to gain energy is that we try to get it from outside of ourselves rather from our direct connection with the universal source, which is within us. This is well expressed in the third, fourth and fifth insights of the Celestine prophesy.

The fourth insight describes the way in which we "battle" to get our energy from others by playing the commonly know roles of the victim, aloof, interrogator and intimidator. We seek to take energy from others by controlling them through these and other roles that we play. We hope to be able to control them so that they will give us what we need. In addition we play these same games in order to prevent others from being able to control us or take energy from us. We often do this in order to verify our self-worth and our superiority.

Even though the possible (but not probable) rewards from these games is ever so miniscule in comparison to openly loving and being loved, most people have never experienced the later and thus resort to these love destroying games.

When we are battling for energy, then we seek to get the upper hand, by playing the victim and making others feel sorry or us or feel guilty and responsible for our realty and thus pay attention to us, not ask anything from us and give us what we need. We take their energy they feel depleted and perhaps resentful and angry because they feel manipulated and or suppressed. In the rare case that the others comply with our need out of love and understanding (rather than out of fear or guilt), then do not lose but rather gain energy.

This is important for us to remember. If we are going to make sacrifices for others, it must be done with love and knowing that we have the free choice of not giving them what they want and that we chose without fear or guilt and only out of love to give to them. In such cases, we never loose energy - but actually gain as we become conductors of divine love. Sacrifices out of fear or guilt have no value and they drain our energy. Sacrifices of love increase our energy.

The same is true concerning our interactions with all the other games that people play. We need to cease making compromises because we need attention from the aloof, or the acceptance from the interrogator or because we fear the intimidator. When we make compromises out of fear or guilt we give our energy to the others - which does them no good in the end - because it is stolen energy and not true energy. When we make compromises out of understanding and love, we actually gain energy and of course - so do they.

In general we tend to lose energy when our programming causes us to feel fearful, dependent, rejected, demeaned, controlled, unwanted, unloved, humbled, lonely, disillusioned, weak, unable, suppressed and or any other unpleasant emotion. We also obviously cause others to lose energy when we behave in ways that trigger such feelings in them.

We can immediately see that when we feel our energy is in danger we will become fearful and will want to protect it. We need to free ourselves from our fear of losing energy, which causes us to become defensive and selfish and indifferent to how others feel and what they need. In this case we could replace the word energy with time, money, attention and other possible resources that we might fear losing.

These energy games are also control games. We feel an inherent fear of being controlled and simultaneously a need to control others. This causes us to react negatively, defensively and perhaps even offensively when we feel that others are endangering our energy level by asking us to do something we feel we do not have the time, inclination or energy to do. When we controlled by such fear, we may become angry, critical and even violent - or at least distant

The truth is that we do not need to protect ourselves and our energy by crying, complaining or becoming angry, critical or distant. We can simply let go of our fear of the intimidator, and our need for acceptance from the interrogator and or victim as well as our need for attention or communication from the aloof. When we are free from these fears and needs, we loose no energy when they play these roles because we are able to maintain our feelings of security, peace and love.

This will require that we let go of the responsibility we feel for others' realities and our need for their acceptance and approval. We will also need to learn how to communicate with I-messages and active listening. (Visit

Our energy is increased when we feel loved, respected, admired, appreciated, respected, cared for, supported, important, useful, helpful, grateful, secure, worthy, special and free to be ourselves.

Love, like any other spiritual quality, requires a high level of positive energy. Not nervous energy or ambitious energy, but a sense of well-being and inner power and strength. As spirits in the process of mastering our ability to express our divine nature such as love, forgiveness, peace, honesty and conscientiousness, our first responsibility is create a strong and positive energy field.

Energy stimulation as opposed to inner flow
Many of us confuse the stimulation of or the use of energies already stored within our system with actually receiving new cosmic energy from our universal source.

Stimulating the energy already within is like shaking an old battery or toner cartridge for our printer so that it will give us a little more service. This will work only temporarily until they become totally empty. Connecting to the source would be like recharging (a rechargeable) battery or having the toner cartridge filled.

What are some of the ways in which we try to re-stimulate and eventually deplete our energy sources rather than refill them with new energy?

Junk food, sweets, soft drinks, alcohol and cigarettes can be a major source of short-lived energy bursts. For some the whole issue of food can become a life drama.

Thinking about it, buying it, preparing it, eating it, cleaning up after and then thinking about the next meal. Food in excess as we all know actually drains rather than boosts our energy. We often use these substances in an attempt to temporarily balance or cover up emotions such as anxiety, fear or pain.

One obvious way that we try to get quick energy from our stagnant reserves is through chemical substances such as sugar, caffeine, amphetamines, alcohol and other stimulants. The results of such strategies are often negative physically and emotionally.

We also have an inner pharmacy of chemicals that stimulate but eventually drain our reserves rather than placing us in contact with our unlimited universal source. These chemicals are called peptides, which are the hormones of our emotions.

Every time we experience an emotion, our hypothalamus excretes some of the peptides, which are then received by the cells in the same receptacles that accept the above mentioned external stimulants. Our body then becomes addicted on the same way to these emotion-created stimulants and we become dependent on these emotions for our sense of energy and balance, just as we do with coffee and others substances.

Continued in the next issue.  by Robert Elias Najemy

Monday, October 26, 2009

Personal Energy

This is the first in a series of articles by Robert Najemy of Holistic Harmony on Personal Energy (Clarity issue 159).  I will be sharing the rest of the articles with you as well!

Everything is energy and Energy is everything.

Our health, happiness and harmonious functioning in these temporary bodies depend on having abundant quantities of harmoniously flowing energy - without tension or blockages.

When we lack energy or the harmonious flow thereof, we experience tiredness, exhaustion, confusion, pain, illness, weakness, lack of clarity and an inability to deal with daily responsibilities, chores, work, life challenges and other's negativity or demands. A natural result of a lack of energy is depression, pessimism, fear, loneliness, self-rejection, guilt, weakness, self-doubt and feelings of inability and futility.

When we are energized we have greater health, vitality, clarity, effectiveness, productivity, creativity, happiness, peace and gratitude. Our lives are much happier and more enjoyable.

While in these bodies, we are in a constant struggle for energy. We need this energy in order to feel well, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. When our energy falls below certain levels we begin to malfunction on all levels and develop defense mechanisms in order to "protect" ourselves - so that we do not "lose any more energy" and hopefully regain our energy. We will discuss these mechanisms later.

We use this one universal energy for all that we do. For example this energy allows us to:
· Keep our bodies alive.
· Keep them warm.
· Move our limbs.
· Communicate with our limbs and organs.
· Deal with bacteria and other foreign bodies.
· Circulate our blood and other nutrients.
· Breathe in oxygen and out toxins.
· Think, create and solve problems
· Speak and communicate in various ways with others.
· Enjoy life's pleasures.
· Love and create children.
· Execute our work and responsibilities here on the planet.
· Observe and analyze our minds and emotions.
· Feel, sense and communicate with the divine.
· Pray, meditate, contemplate and unite with the divine.
And so many more physical, emotional, mental and spiritual activities.

It is essential therefore to discover:
1. How we receive and create more energy.
2. How we can keep our energy high.
3. How most efficiently use this energy
4. How to ensure the harmonious flow of our energy within our energy system.
5. How to exchange energy fairly, properly and harmoniously with people, other beings and elements in our environment.

Making choices concerning our energy sources.
Some activities or substances may increase our energy on the short run but cause us to loose energy, freedom or happiness in the long run.

Most of us seek to replenish our energy in ways that depend on substances, external stimuli and other's behavior. This is not a problem - unless it becomes so. How could it become a problem? Some substances such as stimulants can also be detrimental to our health and ultimately to our energy. For example white sugar, empty of natural nutrients, might give us a short lived energy burst - but shortly after we are even more tired and our reserves of vitamins and minerals needed for the metabolism are being compromise. Similar negative side affects can be attributed to caffeine, soft drinks, alcohol, amphetamines and any other substances we might depend on for short bursts of energy.
A wiser choice here would be grains and legumes, which give us a lasting source of slowly released energy as well as the nutrients needed to metabolize them.

Our energy system is much more enhanced when we engage in movement activities such as dance, exercise, singing, making music or playing sports is than when we are inert spectators to all these forms of movement.

When we need others to listen to us and agree with us, in order replenish our energy, we are dependent on them for our energy level. This is not something we can depend on, especially if we are not willing to give this same energy back to others. They will gradually grow weary if us, and most likely avoid us.

Our ways of increasing and harmonizing our energy will ordinarily evolve as we develop emotionally, mentally and spiritually. This should be a natural process without inner conflict or self-suppression.

We would all do well to observe the ways in which we seek to replenish or protect our energy and decide if we would like to make any adjustments. The area in which we probably most need to make such adjustments is in the way play "energy games" with others. Such games have an extremely detrimental effect on our relationships and subsequently on our health and happiness.

Continued in the next issue. by Robert Elias Najemy

Friday, October 23, 2009

Self-Healing from Trauma Block 8


Block 1  Block 2  Block 3  Block 4  Block 5  Block 6  Block 7
Squidoo Lens with entire series:  Self-Healing from Trauma

This is the last block in the Self-Healing from Trauma Series.  You can go through the exercises as many times as you need to in order to work out your needs and feelings.

You may have already noticed that by answering the questions about your emotions you are finding out things that you really hadn’t thought of before this point. Answer the questions (from Block 7) about these new feelings that arise, the same as you have the ones you already realized. Understanding exactly what you are feeling at any given time and knowing what actions will trigger what feelings will allow you to be in control of yourself.

For now, just knowing what emotions you are having is enough. You do not really need to do any major in depth analysis about how to re-route your feelings or how to change them. You only need to put them into order as to the ones that you feel you want to work on changing or getting rid of all together and the ones you want to keep or increase, and have a firm understanding as to why you want to do so.

When you are ready to begin in depth analysis of your emotions and feelings it is best to consult with someone that is experienced in guiding people to do so.

You may have also realized that there are emotions that you wish to experience that you are not experiencing at this time. Those feelings may be on your needs list. It is possible that you listed happiness as a need, since emotions or feelings can be needed. Or you may not have realized that you were missing some feeling you’d like to have until doing this assessment, and you can now go back and add this to your needs list.

Continue to work back and forth through your needs and feelings as you can or as you  feel it is needed until you can work through and gotten rid of your feelings that you no longer desire having and have achieved the things on your needs list.  If you never complete each list that is fine, as this is always a work in progress just as our lives are.

As you work with your lists add the things that you feel need to be added, while at the same time working to remove the things that you need to remove.  If you ever want to have feed back with any of this or to begin one to one sessions please email me at:

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

From one survivor to another


I found From one survivor to another on the Anonymums blog, this simple little exercise is so helpful and insightful.  Try it!!!

We all know that crazy making is not only an abusers tactic but also one exploited by the family court as a reason to reverse custody.  As Barbara Biggs said when she asked how many mothers lost custody were for "Mental Illness" reasons, "They cannot be all mentally ill". This is not to replace treatment by professionals, but just a simple trick a survivor did to thrive:

  1. Close your eyes and let all of your thoughts drift away until there is nothing.  
  2. Visualize a white computer screen with the word, "Think".  
  3. Hold it for as long as you can and count how many seconds you can hold this image for.
  4. For ___ many seconds, you were able to control what you thought.

Proof that you own the keyboard to your mind. 

Feel more empowered now?  I did!  Go on, try it again and again, you know you want to.

Monday, October 19, 2009

7 Myths of Depression | World of Psychology

Excerpt taken from World of Psychology 

By John M Grohol PsyD

October 18, 2009

Depression is often viewed as the “common cold” of mental disorders, because it is so prevalent in our lives. The lifetime prevalence of depression suggests that more than 1 in 9 people could be diagnosed with the disorder at one point in their lives. And unlike some other mental disorders, depression affects virtually every aspect of what you do and how you interact with others. Every year, it wreaks havoc in millions of Americans’ lives, especially amongst those who believe it is something you should just “get over” on your own.

Here are seven common myths about depression, and the facts that answer them.

1. Depression means I’m really “crazy” or just weak.

2. Depression is a medical disease, just like diabetes.

3. Depression is just an extreme form of sadness or grief.

4. Depression just affects old people, losers and women.

5. I’ll have to be on medications or in treatment for the rest of my life.

6. All I need is an antidepressant to treat depression effectively.

7. I’m doomed! My parents (or grandparents or great uncle) had depression, and isn’t it inherited?

I have only give the 7 reasons without the discussion and details of each.  Please visit:  7 Myths of Depression | World of Psychology  For the full article.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Leadership Council's Child Abuse and Custody Questionnaire

The Leadership Council is conducting a survey about Child Abuse and Custody.  If you fit into a category where either of those pertain to you, I urge you to take this survey.  Below is a little about it.  It takes about 20 to 30 minutes.  Without people doing the research to show that laws need to be revamped, changed or new ones all together......these laws will remain and abuse will continue to reign, with very little consequences to the abusers.  Please pass this on to anyone else you think may be interested in taking this survey.  Any bloggers out there?  Blog it too, please!

Long URL:
Short URL:

The responses on this questionnaire will be reviewed and tabulated regularly to supply information to the media, legislators and academic investigations.

The information you post is confidential and will be reviewed only by the researchers and administrators who are working with the data. It cannot be accessed by the public, and as research data is protected information.

The information from this questionnaire will be utilized for the purpose of furthering our understanding of child protection issues. Group trends will be shared, but no individual data will be shared without explicit permission from you.

Thank you very much for your efforts in helping us generate information that may protect children from abuse.

The Leadership Council is a nonprofit independent scientific organization composed of respected scientists, clinicians, educators, legal scholars, and public policy analysts. We are committed to providing professionals and lay persons with the latest scientific information on issues that may affect the public's health and safety. We also seek to correct the misuse of psychological science to serve vested interests or justify victimizing vulnerable populations -- especially abused and neglected children.  The Leadership Council - Homepage

Saturday, October 17, 2009

The Importance of Letting Go

Self-Healing Institute  February, 2009  By Bill Hinchcliff  Best Wishes And Good Health

In today’s complex world, ownership is everything. We will fight, kill and steal just to own, however, one must realise that we are only temporary custodians of all things and at any time everything can be taken away including our bodies. We are so involved with ownership that it becomes all encompassing making it difficult to release. Ownership is a temporary state of mind that makes us believe in our own assumed power of control. Aging has the effect of bringing most of us down to the reality that everything is impermanent and ownership looses its power over us.

Our thought mentality, taking ownership of a body ailment just makes sense as in many cases by acknowledging ownership of the ailment we feel empowered which gives is bragging rights to the problem. We are in control! This may be very nice but it only brings the problem closer and keeps it tightly held. By not taking ownership one is then able to be impartial to the nature of the problem and to approach the resolution without emotion. Being detached allows the observer or in this case the self-healer to watch and have the power to be the healer, the observer and not be judgmental which causes the emotions that will impede and stop the desired resolution. The fear of not being in control can be devastating as it takes courage to go into the ibis with only the faith that all will be fine.

Many times in our lifetime we travel on autopilot without considering that we are sometimes our own worst enemy, always choking on the unknown with fear and reservation, believing that we will not be successful in our endeavours. We hold on to our beliefs without being free, we own these beliefs and will not let go, because we think that this is who we are. The mind becomes encumbered with things and thoughts, its chatter creates uncertainty and insecurity, and it won’t let go! Our emotions make us prisoners of our own making, causing health problems starting with constipation, as once again we cannot let go. Choking our livers with valueless emotions of anger and disappointment causing blood disorders, breast ailments and untold other ailments. All organs are interconnected, what troubles one will reflect on the other causing disease.

By letting go and being detachment allows us to act without having the blocks and fears that are associated with failure and loss. Our lives become balanced and whole when we become empowered through letting go of the bonds that restrict.

We have the power to Self-Heal and Self-Diagnose before medical intervention is needed.

Private Self-Healings and Self-Diagnosis workshops can be done via telephone on a one to one basis.  Contact Bill for details.

Bill can be reached at

Tel. 604-939-2209


Friday, October 9, 2009

Self-Healing from Trauma Block 7

Block 1  Block 2  Block 3  Block 4  Block 5  Block 6
Squidoo Lens with entire series:  Self-Healing from Trauma

We all want to feel pleasure or happiness. In striving to feel this way we can sometimes form addictions to things like food, money, drugs, alcohol, and even other people. These types of addictions have the ability to turn us into slaves, and prevent us from freely dealing with other people and situations around us. Most addictions dull our perceptions and give us a false sense of reality, making it impossible to enjoy the love and beauty within ourselves. If you can learn to turn these addictions into preferences and are able to live with or without them you will find that you are able to live more freely, which ultimately means you will be happier.

As a victim of abuse you have probably had to use manipulation just to survive, even if you didn’t realize it at the time. Now that you are free to make your own decisions it may be very appealing to you to try to control and/or manipulate everyone and everything around you in order to prevent being abused again. You may find yourself feeling the need to have power over others and may express this in many ways, some of which are; acting sick, weak, or more helpless than you are in order to gain the attention or cooperation of others. You may feel that the only way they will help you or do what you want is if you gain their sympathy, thus you feel like you are controlling the situation and hold the power over their actions.

Our need for support from others is the driving factor that most often leads to this behavior and can be countered by realizing that we do not “need” someone else’s approval of us to be happy. Many of us think that we can gain respect and acceptance of others by controlling them, when in fact if we respect ourselves and love ourselves others will also. It is the inner respect and love that we must strive to achieve. Once achieved others will want to support, respect, and love us also.

After escaping an abusive relationship many of us feel that our lives are in a whirlwind. We have to start over both in the physical and emotional sense of things and that feat appears to be impossible. You have been told over and over again that you can’t do anything right, that you couldn’t make it on your own, that no one wants you, etc. Deep down you know those things aren’t true but human nature prevents us from seeing that. You have been programmed to think you are worthless, so you must re-program your mind.

There are several things that are necessary to re-programming. Some of them are: forgiveness, getting rid of self-inflicted guilt, dealing with the sense of loss, and re-establishing who you really are. All healing must start from within, no one else can give you the magical formula, and you must delve into yourself and ask some very difficult questions. You must also be prepared to face those answers, deal with them one at a time and above all be honest and true to yourself.

The reality that each of us creates in our minds is just as real as the reality that others see us in. Often it is our mental reality that leads our physical reality, rather than the other way round. As human beings what we perceive to be true will be true for us, and will carry all the emotions and feelings of physical reality, which in turn will affect our physical reality. Many abuse victims will often say “I know I’m not crazy, but why do I feel that way”. It is because of the constant struggle going on between what you perceive and what is real. This is not your fault, as you weren’t the one in control of your physical reality, and therefore you perceived a reality that allowed you to survive.

Many abuse victims hesitate to leave their abusers or to call the police on them because they feel love towards the abuser, and do not want to get them in trouble. On the other hand many do not report the abuse because they have been conditioned to think they are nothing without the abuser or that the abuser needs them, with the abuser playing on sympathies to keep things the way they are. Many victims also return after leaving for these same reasons.

To regain any semblance of practical reality we must first realize that the person we were in love with no longer exists. Once that person became an abuser they were changed from what we loved. Next we must examine the fact that we do not need them, it is much easier to keep a house clean and raise children without being abused. Now that you have been forced to do it the hard way, you can do it the easy way without the abuser there. And last we must realize that the abuser in no way needs us except to pad their ego and to feel they have control of something.

One way to bring yourself to these needed realizations is to contemplate the emotions that are waging war inside you. These emotions may be pushing you forward too fast or holding you back. Since we have already seen that what we perceive is what really creates our reality then it will be easy to take that one step further and examine the emotions driving those perceptions.

(a) Exercise: What I Feel

This exercise is a lot like the previous one (Block 4 on Needs), except you will be concentrating on how you feel, or what emotions you are having at this time. If you need to stop or hold off on some of your needs from the previous exercise that is fine.  You may find that you have some emotional blockages that are actually preventing you from tending to those needs.

Some people find it helpful to start out by writing it all out. You can do this in the form of a letter to your abuser; of course you know you aren’t actually going to give it to them so you can be very open, honest and actually quite frank in what you have to say. Others refer to this as a “burn letter”; where you write it all out, put it aside in a sealed envelope where you know no one is going to read it, go back and read a few hours or days later, then destroy it. From that you should gain a sense of what you are most hurt by, thus giving you a starting point.

If that seems to daunting, or you just simply do not have the time to lock yourself up somewhere to put it all down on paper, or even if you have the time you just don’t want to write you could skip the longer letter and go right to the shorter version. Some people find it helpful to do both or only one. Read through it and see what you think will fit you.

This will be a list of everything you are feeling right now; beside each feeling describe what that feeling means to you. Again, I suggest you work with three to start with but choose however many you like. After you have made your list answer these questions about each feeling or emotion on your list.

clip_image001 Who is making you feel this way?(If it is yourself then say that)

clip_image001[1] What are the actions that are making you feel this way? (Be detailed)

clip_image001[2] What other emotions or feelings surface when you think about this?

Some possible feelings to choose from to get you started, you will probably have more and different ones. You will notice that some of the feelings below are positive feelings, you will need to look at those also to ensure that those positive feelings are for the right reasons, and that will be discussed in more detail later on.

Anger (at yourself, your abuser, or others)










Sense of Loss


Now go through the list and determine which feelings you want to keep and which you would like to get rid of.  From the ones you want to get rid of, mark them in the order in which you want to work on them. 

I will not post another block for two weeks to give extra time in working through this.  Block 8 will be posted on Friday October 23, 2009.

Don't forget to have you Enjoyment Basket (block 2) sitting beside you while working with this.  Also, remember your Relaxation Techniques learned in Block 6.

Please email if you have questions, need feedback, etc:

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Relationships And Trust


From Awakening, A Daily Guide to Conscious Living, written by Shakti Gawain, New World Library, Novato, California, 1991, Revised 2006, October 1 page:
"We need relationships

Our primary relationship is with ourselves, and ultimately that's the only one that can provide the foundation for wholeness. That's the place where we need to find integration and balance. And at the same time, we need relationships with other people in order to be happy and fulfilled in life. If we only look for wholeness and completion within ourselves, we disown the part of ourselves that also needs other people.
Human beings are social creatures. Physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually --- we absolutely need close contact with other people. We need love, support, understanding, recognition, and stimulation reflected to us by others.
I spend time cultivating my relationship with myself and time reaching out to receive what I need from others."
I recently picked this book up at a used book store. Years ago, I read a book by Shakti Gawain and just didn't connect with it at all. I am connecting with what this book has to offer.
As a Saggittarian, my natal chart shows me that this lifetime for me is all about relationships. My major work this lifetime has to do with all kinds of relationships. Maybe that is why the lessons have been so difficult with my parents. We often learn the most from our greatest struggles in life.
As an incest survivor, my early relationships were full of pain (physical and emotional) and b... Read the rest here: 
Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker: Relationships And Trust