Friday, November 6, 2009

Healing the Inner Child part 6

This is the sixth in a nine part series of articles by Robert Najemy of Holistic Harmony on Healing the Inner Child (Clarity issue 171).  I will be sharing the rest of the articles with you as well!


Note:  The work described in this article usually requires Guidance and support by a person experienced in this work.

The following questions will facilitate your understanding and expression concerning specific experience.

a. Describe an experience or general situation which was unpleasant, that made you feel fear, sorrow, guilt, rejection, danger, injustice, jealousy or any other unpleasant emotion.

What were the exact emotions you felt as a child?

What thoughts did you have, or what conclusions did you reach as a child because of this experience or situation?

In what way did you react then as a child?

What effect did this experience have upon you later in life, or even today?

If you could have been absolutely open and honest at that time, what would you have said to your parents, teachers, God or to any others who played a part (or who were with you) in this event or in this situation concerning:

. What you felt?

. Your needs and desires?

What you wanted them to do or not do?
(Write the answers in the second person, as if you were speaking directly to them or writing them a letter).

When you finish with one experience or situation, go on to another and another, answering the same questions. You can then move on to various forms of expression or simply employ some of the methods of energy psychology for the specific experience and emotions. You can try expressing yourself and then employ the techniques.

Once we have established contact with some of the unexpressed emotions, needs and beliefs of our childhood years, the next stage is to express and release them without, of course, hurting others. Some ways in which we can do this are listed here.

1. Write letters to the people who played an important role in the unpleasant and pleasant experiences of your childhood (parents, teachers, uncles, aunts, siblings, grandparents, others). We will probably not send these letters. We simply need to write them, in order to recognize and express what is hidden within us.

Communicate totally, openly and honestly.

Add new thoughts and feelings each day.

Do not concern yourself with chronological order.

Express how you felt at that young age (not how you see it or explain it now).

e. Release and express
your negative and positive feelings.

f. Express the needs, feelings, desires and thoughts you had at that time.
We will also want to express our positive feelings, love and gratitude.

2. Read these letters to someone who is experienced in active listening and psychodrama.

If you find that reading these letters causes strong feelings, take time to express and release those feelings before you continue reading. You may then need to switch to an emotional release technique such as crying, shouting, beating a pillow or other method. Do not keep these emotions locked inside you.

You may need to read these letters additional times until the emotional charge is released. You can read it as many times as necessary until you are able to read it without feeling upset about the letter's content.

3. Below is a more detailed questionnaire that will help with the clarification and expression of exactly what we felt, needed and believed as children. It is best if we write with the opposite hand than the one with which we usually write. In this way, we can more easily connect with the weakness, difficulty and vulnerability we experienced in those childhood years. It also stimulates the opposite side of the brain, bringing more memories to the surface.

We can employ this process of getting free for each experience moving down our list and choosing the next experience we want to become free from. The process is:
1. Remembering experiences that may have affected us.
2. Realizing how we may have been programmed
3. Discovering the aspects of how that programming may be working today.
4. Expressing our feelings and needs.
5. Getting free from the stored emotions with Energy Psychology techniques.
6. Understanding, forgiving and loving the others and ourselves

Also we some may benefit from the following question designed to enable us to remember, clarify and express details concerning experiences in which we felt hurt by others.

Questions that aid in expressing our feelings as children
We imagine that one of the persons who played an important role in our childhood experiences is asking us these questions. We answer the questions separately for each person with whom we want to communicate.

It does not matter if the soul we are writing to has left his or her physical body. It does not matter whether the other can fully understand what we are writing. We are not writing this to give it to anyone. We are writing this in order to discover, understand and express ourselves more deeply.

We have everything to gain by being as honest as possible by answering from our inner child. If there are matters about which our inner child feels differently from our adult, we can express both sides if we choose, but it is best to place emphasis on the inner child's opportunity to express it self.

These are the questions we are being asked by this person:
Tell me, when you were a child, did I do anything which upset you, hurt you or made you feel fear, rejection, guilt, injustice, bitterness, disappointment, guilt, anger or some other negative emotion?

Please tell about each occasion, situation or behavior separately. Give me the complete details:
a. What exactly did I do or not do?
b. How did you feel?
c. What did you think then?
d. What conclusions did you draw about yourself?
e. What conclusions did you draw about me?

Did you feel that I had high expectations of you, that I wanted you to be something special? Please explain to me exactly what you believed I wanted you to be physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, spiritually, etc. Perhaps because I praised or rejected you for some things, you believed that I accepted and loved you only if you excelled in those areas?
a. How did you feel about that?
b. What did you think then?
c. What conclusions did you draw about your self worth and love in general?

What other emotions would you like to express to me?

What did you need from me then which I did not give you enough of?

What would you have liked me to do then, which I did not do?

What would you have preferred that I not do which I did?

Did you ever feel guilt, shame or self-rejection as a child?
a. At which times and for what reasons? What did you do, say or think?
b. What did you believe which made you feel guilty?
c. Did I, in any way, cause you to feel guilty in those situations? How?
d. Were others also instrumental in causing you to feel guilty? Who, and for what?
e. What would you like to say to me or to the others concerning those situations?

What could I do now, to help you feel better?

What could you yourself do now in order to feel better?

The above questions help us clarify what we need to express and release. The rest of the questions have to do with the process of transformation, and are best left until we feel we are ready to accept what happened, to forgive the others, and move on with a clean state. We will present them here but they should be used only when we are ready.

Questions that aid in transforming:
What thought-forms (conclusions, beliefs) were created in you then due to those experiences?

Which of those thought-forms (conclusions, beliefs) have you totally overcome, and which are still alive in you, even to a small degree?

What do you think was my inner state, which caused me to behave the way I did then? (Remember that we are imagining that the person who may have hurt us with his behavior is asking us these questions.)

What do you think were the motives, needs, fears, feelings, and beliefs that caused me to behave the way I did then?

If the spiritual truth that "life gives us exactly what we need as souls in evolution in order to evolve and develop spiritual virtues," is actually true, what could be the lessons or the virtues which you chose as a soul to work on here?

What do you need to learn here in order to be happy?

Which beliefs do you need to change here in order to free yourself from the false beliefs of the past?

What do you need to do or believe in order to forgive me and free yourself from my presence in your subconscious?

What do you need to do or believe in order to forgive yourself and enjoy your purity and goodness?

What changes do you want to make in your lifestyle in order to find harmony and strength? How and when will you make these changes?

Having answered the questions in the above questionnaire, we are then ready to employ any methods for releasing and transcending the particular experiences.

Continued in the next issue.

Adapted from the book The Psychology of Happiness by Robert Elias Najemy

Thursday, November 5, 2009

How does abuse fit in with the Law of Attraction

I have talked about the Law of Attraction (LOA) on this blog before, and I am well aware that it is a touchy subject with those of us that have survived the abuses and atrocities that we have.  When I first heard about the LOA, manifesting what we want with thought, I too began thinking that this was just another way to blame me; or blame any victim.

Back then my emotions were still really raw and my thinking was still clouded by what I had been going through, so I didn’t really view myself as a victim.  Because of that, the term victim-blaming meant absolutely nothing to me; I just felt like ‘oh great this really was all my fault’.  Since then, through much research and growing within myself I have come to see the error of that way of thinking.  Abuse suffered is NEVER the fault of the person suffering it...NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!!

So, then how in this world can I sit here and say that even though I believe in LOA, I know that the abuse I suffered was not my thoughts attracting that abuse to me?

We all, every single human being on this planet, has the use of free will at our disposal.  We can each choose to do whatever it is that we want to do.  Some people choose to do evil, nasty things will this free will.  They choose to hurt people, in various ways.  There is nothing that anyone else can do to change their decisions, just as they can not sway (in most cases) the decisions of those that have chosen to be nice people.

I have had many people ask me “Why did God let this happen to me”, regardless of who your God/Goddess is; I don’t think they ‘let’ it happen to you.  Once someone invokes their free will and decides to do whatever it is they are going to do, I don’t think any of the many Deities out there will interfere with that free will.  Now, of course, this is my opinion and belief and I am not attempting to cram that down anyone’s throat.

I am only trying to explain, in answer to many questions, why can I feel ok posting stuff about LOA on a blog that is meant to be read by those that have been abused.

Nice positive thinking never hurts anyone, so even if you don’t want to believe in LOA, thinking in a positive manner rather than a negative manner won’t hurt anyone.  When we sit around thinking to ourselves (oh yeah, I’m guilty of this myself from time to time) that we don’t deserve this or that; then obviously we are never going to get the chance to actually discover if we ‘deserve’ it or not.

To me this is the base of LOA.

Say for instance, I want to start dating again, but my thoughts keep returning to the abuse and I keep thinking that I can’t trust anyone; rather than attracting someone that I probably could trust I most likely will end up with another abuser, or no one at all.  So what I need to do is think in terms of:

  • I am ready to date again
  • I am deserve a good partner/mate

We are told that the LOA does not recognize negatives when we are thinking things like:

  • I don’t want to be abused again

We are told that phrase would basically translate to:

  • I want to be abused again

So, what should we do with this?  Try to keep your thoughts focused in positive terminology when thinking about what it is that you do and don’t want to have in your future.  Think about what you DO want rather than what you DO NOT want.

Because of the free will thing that I mentioned above, I personally still do not think that victims are to blame for ‘attracting’ abuse to them, based on the principles of LOA.  So, for me, along with all the positive thinking I have to factor in not only knowing what is that I DO want but also knowing the warning signs and red flags that may indicate that I am going down a road that I do not wish to follow.

And, even though I believe in the positive thought methods and the LOA, I also realize that I can not sit around all day thinking happy stuff and have a great life.  I know that I must be willing to do things to make that happiness come to me; whether I am wanting a new car, more money, a relationship, etc, etc, etc...this list is different for everyone and goes on forever. 

I hope this has answered those of you that have asked me about how I can merge LOA into NOT blaming the victims.  I encourage and want your comments, questions and feedback!

Go Empower Yourself!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Healing the Inner Child part 5

This is the fifth in a nine part series of articles by Robert Najemy of Holistic Harmony on Healing the Inner Child (Clarity issue 170).  I will be sharing the rest of the articles with you as well!

Alternative Perceptions

Note:  The work described in this article usually requires Guidance and support by a person experienced in this work.


Basically reality as we imagine it does not exist. We create our own personal subjective reality through our perceptions and interpretations of what has happened and what is happening and also what might happen. This is what we call reality - it is totally subjective and we can change it by simply altering our perceptions of that has happened, is happening and might happen.

For each of our false assumptions we need to find new more enlightened ways of perceiving the same events so that we can create a new upgraded experience of the same event or situation. What are some of those possible alternative beliefs?

1. I am, and always was, worthy of acceptance, respect and love even when others were not able to recognize and acknowledge my innate inner beauty and goodness.
2. When others were not able to show me the love and respect I deserve and have always deserved, it is simply because they were suffering and unhappy at those moments.
3. When someone is angry, aggressive, blaming and even hurtful, it is because he or she is fearful and suffering inside.
4. All of us - including the adults of our childhood years, did the best they could at each moment, with the handicap of their own childhood experiences and resulting fears, programming, pain, anger and guilt.
5. My self-worth is an immutable fact that can never be increased or lessened by another's words, actions or problems.
6. I was actually always safe in all situations - the proof of that is that I am here today.
7. As a soul, before incarnating, I had chosen all of the events of my childhood years because for some reason, (that perhaps one day I will understand) they offer me the perfect stimuli for the lessons and growth I have chosen in this life.
8. Whatever people may have done that hurt me, was always because of their ignorance of their and my true nature.
9. I am an expression of divine consciousness and this body and mind are my temporary vehicles of expressions on the earth. My self-worth and security are never in any way dependent on those temporary vehicles of expression.
10. All of the adults of my childhood including those who played the roles of my parents (biological or not) are simply fellow souls in the process of evolution with whom we have agreed on a spiritual contract to play these roles.
11. These souls whom I have chosen are not in any way perfect and are also in a learning process and we are learning together here in the material world. I cannot expect them to be better than their programming allowed them to be.
12. I owe to my parents love, care and respect, but never to live my life according to their beliefs when they conflict my deepest values. I respect and love them, but live my life according to my own values.
13. I was never responsible for others' realities. Each creates his or her own reality.
14. In the same way, others were never responsible for my reality.
15. I am safe in all situations and always was safe in the past, even when I was fearful.
16. I am worthy of love and acceptance even when I make mistakes, which are part of my evolutionary process.
17. I am worthy of love and respect even when I do not do what others want me to do. (Of course I need to also love them when they do not do what I want them to do.)
18. I am safe in love. Loving is my greatest power.
19. I am and always have been worthy of unconditional lasting love, regardless of others' inability to do so.
20. I am and always was safe and loveable even when I was different than others or was unable to accommodate their needs or demands.
21. I am and always was safe and loveable even when others were ill, unhappy, in pain, critical, abusive, rejecting, condemning, threatening, angry, and hateful.
22. We are all divinely unique and there never was, and nor is there now, any reason to compare myself to any other fellow soul in the process of evolution.
23. It always was and is totally natural and pure to experience and express my divinely given sexuality.
24. Regardless of others ability to perceive my intelligence and ability, I am as all other souls totally capable to creating the life that fulfills me.
25. Regardless of society's and perhaps the clergy's confusion on this point, God has always loved me (and all others) as I was in every moment of the past - no matter what I did or did not do; and still loves me exactly as I am today.
26. Although I may have learned in the past to identify money with safety or self-worth, I was always and am today safe and worthy regardless of my economic situation.
27. I am not a child anymore. I am an adult and I can create the reality I choose.
28. The events of the past do not exist. They have no power over me whatsoever except for the power I give to them. I choose to accept whatever happened, love myself and love others and let go of "that which does exist anyway".
29. I am and have always been free. In the moments in which I felt suppressed, the reality was and is that I bartered my freedom for safety, acceptance or love. This was a free choice. If I now desire to make different choices, then I am now free to do so.
You can add hundreds of more alternative perceptions depending in the particular experience you would like to transform. Remember we are not seeking to suppress what we feel or cover up the event. We want to focus on it exactly as it we "remember" that it happened, but to now interpret differently what that means about us others and life.

It is important to clarify that, when altering our perception of the past, we need to be very careful not to cover up or suppress feelings or energies. This would lead to a situation in which these suppressed emotions or energy fields would work subconsciously undermining our psychosomatic health and even our mental state and behavior. We would not be free.

This is not a philosophical or intellectual exercise but rather an experiential one. We must first remove the emotional charge through expression, emotional release and energy psychology, before we begin to alter our perception of what happened.

Otherwise it would be like recording a new song on an old cassette without erasing the previous song. When we play the cassette, both the old and the new song will play. In this case we will experience both the old emotions and our attempt to believe our new perceptions.

We need to erase the cassette first and then record the new song. We need first to remove the old emotional energy associated with each event, before moving forward to reinterpret it. This can be done with EFT, BSFF, TAT, EMDR and Sedona. Some of these techniques, such as TAT, EMDR and EFT with choices, incorporate the installation of the new perception once the old emotional charge has been removed or seriously reduced. Please keep this clarification in mind.

In general we want to relive the event, while keeping in mind that we were always safe and worthy of love and respect, regardless of what was happening and whether others were in a position emotionally to behave towards us as we always deserved.

We simply now realize that we were good worthy, loveable beings - even if we were wrong or made a mistake - (we are not saying that we were perfect). All beings at all times are expressions of the divine. No being is ever unworthy of love or respect. All beings are divine. We make mistakes and need to recognize and correct them. But we and others are always worthy of love and respect, no matter what mistakes we might make.

Also as children we were most likely pure and good hearted and probably did not desire to harm anyone. Most of the cases in which we experienced rejection and abuse was because the adults had their own problems, their own fears and attachments. This does not mean that the solution is to blame, reject or hate them. This will solve nothing.

We have made "soul agreements" with them before we were born that they would act in these ways for our spiritual awakening. We are not to blame. They are not to blame. No one is. It all happened as it should have. We understood as souls before incarnating that it would serve our mutual evolution.

Now is the moment of freedom. We can now alter our perceptions and realize that we are in fact safe, worthy, capable, good and free to live our lives in ways that fulfill us. We can now release these false beliefs and their resulting emotions and live a new present based on "new past" that we have just created by altering our perception of ourselves, others and whatever might have "happened" but no longer exists.

We have free will. No one can or ever will force us to forgive others or our selves and let go of bitterness, pain, anger and guilt. If we chose to hold on to the past, that is our own not very wise choice and we will live with its consequences. The means to let go are here in this book. We simply need to choose freedom over slavery to the past.

This can be done especially effectively through all forms of energy psychology but especially through TAT and Ho'oponopono.

Through TAT, our alternative perception of the past will likely include that we experience our security and self-worth regardless of what might be happening or what others might be doing. We will experience that others are fellow souls trying their best in the same evolutionary process that we find ourselves entwined. That they did what they could considering their own "past", fears, programming etc. as well as with the "soul contracts" that we had agreed on before entering the physical realms. We will experience the same events through the prism that live gave us exactly what we needed for our growth process. We might even be able to think of all the lessons we have learned and the ways we have become stronger and better persons because of these events and situations.

Holding the past event in mind, we will remember that we are eternal divine consciousness and that our security and self-worth are equally eternal and immutable.

As we relive those events, we will feel understanding, compassion, forgiveness and love for ourselves and all the other fellow souls who participated in those "dramas" with us.

Through Ho'oponpono, we will learn to forgive, love and bless all as we ask their forgiveness for any part we may have played in those events and express our love to them and ourselves. We will learn to thank the Divine for now removing all aspects of ourselves that may contribute to or attract such realties.

We will become free from all inner causes and also consequences of those events on our relationships with our bodies, ourselves, others, those of the opposite sex, of the same sex, with beings in power, with money, with sex, our profession and even our spiritual life.

I warmly suggest that you contact a guide experienced in this process to get you started. If that is not possible, then contact us through our website for more information on how you can proceed. ( or

Once you have made a list of the specific events you would like to discharge emotionally, then you might want to answer the following questionnaires for greater clarity on each issue.

Continued in the next issue.
Adapted from the book The Psychology of Happiness by Robert Elias Najemy

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Comment on the TLC Appreciation Challenge

On Saturday I issued an Appreciation Challenge to all of you for the month of November.  This post is to add a little more to that challenge for those of you that would like to take it one step further.  I will not claim that I thought of the additional steps; as they are based on the comment below:
Life Coaches Directory said...

What a great idea and a way to keep everyone in a great mood heading into the holiday season! I personally think you should expand it to include one person in your personal life, one in your outside activities and one in your professional life.
Thanks for sharing! I retweeted the post for you too!

Originally I challenged you to do two things;  write a paragraph of why you appreciate yourself and think of one person that you appreciate having in your life above all others,  write a paragraph as to WHY you appreciate this person and give it to them. (For more explanation in case you missed the first post.)

Now I add to that what Jesse suggested.  I only said to give your appreciation to one persona other than yourself, add two more people to that.  Pick one person in the different areas in your life. 

  1. One in your personal or family circle,
  2. One from your activities (this could even be an online friend),
  3. One person in your professional or work circle.

I would love to hear who you have picked and why!  Jesse is correct in saying that this is a great way to put ourselves into a better mood for moving into the holiday season.  Let me know what you think.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Healing the Inner Child Part 4

This is the fourth in a nine part series of articles by Robert Najemy of Holistic Harmony on Healing the Inner Child (Clarity issue 169).  I will be sharing the rest of the articles with you as well!

False Assumptions

Note:  The work described in this article usually requires
Guidance and support by a person experienced in this work.

It is also important in our inner work to differentiate between an event and situation and an experience. An event is something that happens and is perceived by us. A situation is a series of events. An experience is how we internalize the event or situation. Three children in the same family might witness the same event or situation and have three totally different experiences because they interpret and this internalize the event in different ways, depending on their inborn tendencies and character.

It is not what happens that causes our feelings and assumptions, but rather our childhood (and present) interpretation of what has happened, which becomes our experience and thus our "past". Each of those three children who experienced the same event will have had a different experience and thus a different "past".

In reality, there is no past. It is non-existent. It does not exist anywhere. Neither does the future. Only the present exists. What we call the past is only our personal subjective interpretation of a past event, which no longer exists. We can allow this interpretation (not the event) to control our subconscious reactions, or we can take a look at it and let it go.

In the same way, when we alter our interpretation of a past event our experience of that event changes and so does our "past". When our experience of the past changes, then our beliefs and corresponding feelings and reactions are transformed in the present. When we alter our perceptions of the same events, we are actually literally changing our past, as the past is nothing more than an interpretation.

This is our point of power, our present ability to change our assumptions about the past so that we experience the past and present differently.

Note: As we mentioned a situation is a series of events. When we want to work with situations it is best to list a number of events that make up that situation so that we can work more specifically with one particular event in that situation, as the situation may be general and working with it, might not give us the same success as with working with a series of specific events.

We do not seek to change the events, unless we realize that our perception of them was distorted and false. We alter our perception of and the assumptions made concerning them. We change our experience.


As children, until a certain age, we naturally but falsely assume that the adults in our life must be right and thus if we do not get what we need from them, then there must be something wrong with us, not them.

The two basic assumptions are that:
1. What we experience is what we deserve.
2. What we experience is what we can expect in life.

These two false assumptions then generate a few general categories.
1. I am in danger. I am not safe.
2. I am not worthy of love and respect.
3. I do not know to think and make decisions.
4. I am not capable of succeeding in life.
5. I am responsible for what others feel and what happens to others.
6. Others are responsible for what happens to me and how I feel.

These basic categories can then lead to a large number of specific assumptions. Thus, when our parents, teachers, uncles, aunts, grandparents and others criticize us, reject us, abuse us, ignore us, abandon us or simply do not give us the love and attention we need, or even if they are ill or die, our childhood "logical" assumption are:
1. This is what I deserve.
2. I am wrong.
3. When people are angry with me, I am wrong.
4. When people are angry with me, I am in danger.
5. There is something wrong with me.
6. If someone leaves me, then it is because there is something wrong with me.
7. This is what I can expect in my life.
8. When others are ill or unhappy, I am to blame.
9. I am not lovable as I am.
10. I must be like others in order to be loveable.
11. I must have others' love and acceptance in order to safe.
12. I am not a good person.
13. I do not deserve and will not have love in my life..
14. People who love me will hurt me.
15. People I love will abandon me.
16. I am safer when I avoid opening to others.
17. I am safer when I do not tell the truth
18. I am safer when I hide my real feelings from others.
19. I do not deserve to be happy.
20. I am responsible for what others feel
21. Others are responsible for what I feel.
22. I must ______________ in order to accepted and loved by others
23. I have to be better than others to be worthy of love and respect.
24. I do not know what to do with my life; I need to have others to tell me what to do.
25. I am not safe in this world. I am in danger from people.
26. I am not able to survive alone. I need others to support me or take care of me.
27. I am dirty and shameful because I had sexual feelings.
28. Sex is a sin.
29. I must do what my parents and others want in order for me to be a good person and for them to accept and love me.
30. I am not able and will never succeed.
31. I must be beautiful / handsome and attractive to the opposite sex in order to be worthy.
32. I cannot trust my love partner - surely he / she will eventually lose interest in me and find someone else.
33. God does not love me unless I am perfect.
34. I am safe only if I have a lot of money.
35. People want to suppress my freedom; I must fight to protect my freedom.
36. As a woman I need to be equal with men.
37. As a woman I need my man to be stronger, more able than me.
38. As a man I must be more able and more successful than my wife and all women.
39. My self-worth depends on what others think about me, what they say about me and how they behave towards me.

And many, many, many more.

These are some of the hundreds of false assumptions that are programmed into our inner child, because we were then unable to understand the truth about who we are so as to be able to explain the events in a different way. I am sure you can add more.

Choose the ones in the list above that you believe might be lodged in your subconscious and add any others you can think off.

Continued in the next issue.
Adapted from the book The Psychology of Happiness by Robert Elias Najemy